You see, Mark and I were very close friends in elementary school. We were always playing basketball or kickball or whatever game was popular at recess together. Then, somewhere around middle school things started to become complicated between us.
Without going into too much detail, basically some of the more 'popular' kids began to manipulate our relationship. Instead of playing together, we found ourselves always pitted against each other. We had several small fights/skirmishes, with a memorable one coming in 8th grade when we were playing kickball at recess. Just as recess was ending, I hit Mark with the ball to get him out sliding into 2nd base. If memory serves correctly, I believe the ball may have hit him in the groin and he took that as intentional. He was ready to to fight, but I wanted nothing of it.
Coach Adams was tasked with punishing us in PE right after recess. He did so by making us run laps around the baseball field. Interestingly enough, later that year Coach Adams would award us both with the PE award for the year based on us always pestering him and pulling shenanigans on him during class. You see, in the presence of attentive adults, the manipulation was much less possible.
On January 15th of this year, Eddie Vedder released "Brother The Cloud" the, in my mind at least, long anticipated tribute to his friend Chris Cornell, who was lost to suicide in 2017. I made it about 10 seconds into the song and began to weep. "I had a brother, but now my brother is gone."
I attended Mark's memorial service at a park in Dexter. I still have his memorial card, which I use as a bookmark. I pull it out and quickly study the adult that used to be my close friend. "I search the sky for a glimpse of his blue eyes and there I find his image in the clouds."
There were maybe half a dozen people that I knew at the memorial, including his widow and my former classmate Krystal. I remember bits and pieces of their budding romance from high school, but no real specific details, for you see, "rising rivers in the dark erodes the shores til our shores were far apart."
During the memorial service, Krystal brought one of their daughters over to the group of people I was mingling with in hopes that some of us could share stories of her father's childhood. I was the one most equipped to provide these, and I think I shared a story from high school when my truck broke down near Mark's house causing me and the two guys that I had with me to seek refuge at his house, but his mom wouldn't let us come in.
I've spent a lot of time thinking of my long lost friend and what might have been had our shores not eroded so far apart. The suicide prevention coordinator at work tells me that the average suicide directly impacts up to 135 people. That number is likely low. I hadn't spoken to this man in almost 20 years and can barely make it through one of my now favorite songs without welling up with tears.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please contact national suicide prevention at (800) 273-8255. If you are worried that you may have suicidal thoughts, please program this number in your phone. Or reach out to me. I'll gladly listen and support you.
"Should you ever leave this earth before me, I doubt this highly, do for me what I'd do for you. Put your arms around my friend and say for me: fuck you."
